Donna Mills - The Eyes Have It (1986)

GURL, please. Put down the blue eye shadow and step away from the sparkly pink lip gloss. You are forty-six years old! Donna Mills proudly boasts that she does her own make-up. This video exists so she can demonstrate for we women of lesser competence, how to properly cake ourselves in layers of pasty opaque sludge. Cucumber slices on the eyes? Try an entire cucumber ON YOUR FACE. No really...

She repeatedly refers to her cosmetic style as "natural", while constantly looking like she's posing for a boudoir photo at Sears Portrait Studio. Fully airbrushed, contouring meant to cover a beard, hair teased to the heavens, Dairy Queen Glamour Shot Valentine's Day 2 for 1 special.

Then we get to see her do a little fashion show, take a bath and demonstrate the exact same make-up tips in different lighting and with colored contact lens'. C'mon Donna, you're reaching. She even shows us how to wash our own face, because we've come this far without having these skills.

I'm a fresh faced gal, do you want to know the real secret to looking young(er)? Try NOT spackling your face with nasty drywall clown paint. Eyes and lips? sure. A little concealer or powder on occasion, of course. But the Foundation/concealer/powder/blush quadroplaster? OY! She literally instructs people to PRESS POWDER FIRMLY INTO THEIR SKIN SO IT WON'T COME OFF. Just rub it in, fill those pores. It's fine, you can remove it with your phallic vegetable astringent.

In all sincerity, I fucking LIIIIIIVE FOR THIS SHIT. It's the kind of thing Shana Moulton is parodying in 'Whispering Pines', or material you'd find on 'Womans-Day', the greatest tumblr of all time. Donna Mills is selling a product you can't buy at the store. Something unattainable and phony. She's selling a false sense of self-worth. And yet, I could watch this aging soap actresses do her make-up and have fashion shows in her living room all day. This is a historical relic because, simply put, they don't make 'em like this anymore! Make-up tutorials are one thing, but we're not buying the instructions, we're buying Donna and basking in her frivolous bullshit lifestyle. If I didn't love it so much it would make me SICK. And for the record, I've been dying to play with my make-up ever since I watched this. I'm not immune!

So what have we learned today?

  • How to feather brown eyeliner 40 different ways (spoiler: they're all the same)
  • How to wash our face
  • How to NOT dry our face (pat, do not rub) 
  • The Mills' household has no shortage of over-sized cucumbers in the fridge.
  • Donna suspiciously doesn't seem to own any cats.
  • Frosted lip gloss is a friend to NO ONE.
  • Donna has a seemingly endless cache of lighted mirrors, and assumes that we all do too.
  • To be attractive you must be rich, coagulating in rouge, blonde and being white doesn't hurt.(Subtext, Donna. Not buying your "brown eye" tutorial for a second)
  • Donna is an asshole, one can only assume.
  • ABC Movies' of the Week clearly do not pay enough for Donna to hire someone to do her make-up PROFESSIONALLY.

The nefarious pink lip gloss, in action.

Don't forget to admire yourself for hours after, days even.

Shortly after my pal Warren bestowed this priceless treasure upon me, I found myself in this weird shop on Hollywood Blvd that sells nothing but old porno mags and shell art. A harmonious marriage of objects. Given that I'm both a collector of kitschy shell crap and any ephemera of interest, I had a good time digging around. I made an amazing discovery; a publication I was not previously aware of: "Valley Magazine" - a fashion mag for women who live in the Valley. That's the stuff dreams are made of. And who do you think graces the cover of this coveted holy book?

Miss Donna Mills, THE SAME YEAR AS 'THE EYES HAVE IT'! It was a busy year for our amateur cosmetologist. And now that you mention it, she so totally would live in the Valley. It's just glaringly obvious to me now.

I might add that this issue includes a Christmas shopping guide for the Sherman Oaks Galleria, aka: the Mall you've seen in EVERY movie from the 80's and 90's. Envy me, for I hold in my hands the mystic scroll...

As if your day couldn't get any better, here are some choice threads from the Winter of '86.


Whispering Pines 6,7,8 (2006)

There are few films I find to be a truly pure incarnation of my aesthetic. The 'Neon Boogers' category exists as a kind of sliding scale for the qualities I look for. Sometimes I'm a little more lenient in gauging whether or not a film is deemed a 'Neon Booger', but other times its so glaring it's like the filmmaker and I share the same brain.

Whispering Pines is a series of shorts created by and starring Shana Moulton as 'Cynthia', a woman who's on a personal journey of betterment through manufactured objects and self-exploration. There's an every-woman-ness about Cynthia. She reads the magazines, buys the products, lives her life in a constant limbo of health and beauty fads. There's a commentary at work here but before I get into that I need to discuss the cosmetic appeal of the world Shana Moulton has created for 'Cynthia'.

The character may have an emptiness inside of her, but like me, she's a tchotchke queen. The placement of objects in itself is an art. Muted pastels, house plants, marble side tables and trinkets from the Asian dollar store. The sets look like shoe-string Ettore Sottsass installation, with a dash of Leslie Hall. So while I'm fully aware that there's an anti-establishment  message, I too am seduced by Cynthia's synthetic reality.

There are five episodes before the three I'm covering here and I believe two after, but these three (and a random episode 3 on youtube) seem to be the only available ones on the net. As they came together attached in one swoop, I'm reviewing them as one film. Like a mini-anthology.

Episode 6:

While doing a puzzle of a waterfall, Cynthia realizes she's missing the final piece. Panicked, she searches the living with no avail. Feeling lost, she finds herself in a New Age store that sells waterfall statues. She buys yet another waterfall for her home in hopes that the sound of the rippling water will give her the clarity she needs to find the missing puzzle piece. Once home all of the water devices are turned on, including an electric waterfall picture. She plays a meditation tape and the sounds put her body in a state of emotional out-pour. Once enlightened she knows to look deep inside the waterfall picture for the missing puzzle piece. As she places the final piece in the center of the puzzle the camera zooms in to reveal Cynthia's own crying face in the water.

Episode 7:

While gazing upon herself in a vanity mirror, Cynthia notices some unsightly black heads. She reaches for her holographic box which contains several packets of pore strips. The camera zooms in on her black stippled nose as she performs her skin care ritual. As she patiently waits for the strip to dry she stares at her distorted image in the mirror. Suddenly a sphinx-like creature with her own face appears. It sings "Now That I'm a Woman" from the Last Unicorn. A song about the unicorn's sad transformation from a strange creature to an ordinary woman. Little pore strips fly around them like doves. The sphinx disappears and she slowly removes her pore strip to reveal an inspirational quote from 'Jonathan Livingston Seagull'.

Episode 8:

Best for last. Unsatisfied with the state of her plant arrangement, Cynthia embarks on a Crystal Light induced creative journey in sand art. She listens to Enya's 'Orinoco Flow' and re-imagines her once drab vase. She dumps colored craft store sand, pearls, plastic gems and fake flowers in a casserole of kitsch. She creates designs in sand directly on the table, embellishing them with crystals. Her whole house comes to life. Soon all of her plastic belongings are singing and dancing. One by one she adds them to the magical concoction of ornamental decor, creating a Chakra of artificial soil for her new flower arrangement. Once finished she places the vase by the couch and immediately begins to feel unfulfilled despite her new creation. After a few moments have passed, the vines from the arrangement grow into a magical ladder. She climbs it and enters a door that transports her to a lively rave set to an electronic remix of  'Orinoco Flow'. She joins the party until she realizes that she's just been poisoned by the Crystal Light and that it was all and hallucination. She vomits herself back to reality.

I have this thing for commercial meditation products. I collect new age cassettes and nature videos whenever I encounter them at thrift stores. The idea that this analog version of nature can bring you some kind of inner peace is fascinating. When I started collecting these types of things I was doing it in an ironic way. There was something "funny" about it. But I've discovered there is kind of a science to it. When I listen to or watch this stuff, I think it may actually work. Or at least I think it's working while I'm participating. Like some kind of neo-shamanic ritual of the digital age. Put on a tape and all of your problems will melt away. Cynthia is a prime target for this kind of advertising duplicity. When you look in a magazine and see lots of happy women, the idea is if you do as they do you also will be happy. It could be as little as one product that changes your whole life. Cynthia aspires to be the woman on the Biore box and to feel like she's in a Crystal Light commercial. That's the witchcraft of consumerism, the promise of the thing you desire leads to a momentary high and then an empty realization that not only does it not work but you're worse off than before. Shana Moulton has created a really likable character and Universe to satire these ideas.

As a multi-media artist, Moulton's work has been limited to mostly galleries. Still active today, you can see a few excerpts on her Vimeo. I'm not sure if a commercial release is her style, but if that were to ever happen I'd be first in line to own these brilliant pastel fever dreams.


Lady Justice (1997)

I'm giving the whole movie away, so proceed at your own risk and keep your poo-poo spoiler complaints to yo'self - Thanks, Mgmt.

Lady Justice has arrived and with a cover looking like some kind of glamour-shot of a small claims paralegal that you'd see on a billboard in the mid-west, how could I not drop everything for it?

The opening scene is by far the best. Our leading lady, played by Suzy Milano, in a mall trying on all kinds of different outfits and modeling for herself in the mirror. I love a good fashion montage, and I absolutely LIVE for a bad one.

So sansual.

It's explained in a series of intertitles that we'll experience this movie with a new technique called 'Mondo-Vision' so we can interact with Suzy ourselves AS the killer. WHOA, this must be pretty high tech.

Serial rapist and killer, Frank Beaver, just got out of jail on a technicality. He targets strippers, and can't wait until he can rape and kill again. We know this because he keeps saying it. "Oh I just can't wait to rape and kill some more women" or something like that. He hasn't even stepped off of the courthouse property before spotting a woman (Suzy) changing a flat tire. He offers to help her in attempt to gain her trust, she's so grateful that she gives him a ride home, even stops at a fast food restaurant to buy him a diet pepsi to thank him. While she's in the restaurant, he notices a gun in her glove compartment. He steals it to use against her at the right moment. She gets back in the car and they have more small talk, she reveals that she's an exotic dancer and he gets an audible boner. At some point he can't take it any more and he whips out the gun and tells her to pull over. She makes a run for it and tries to lose him in an abandoned warehouse. This scene, long and fruitless, was when I realized that "Mondo-Vision" was literally just his first person perspective. IE: the camera is the killer, FAR from a new technique in 1997, and not even worth mentioning.

A few minutes later Suzy runs out of the warehouse and the killer runs after her. He fires, she goes down. He's mad he didn't get to assault her first, but celebrates her killing as a small victory. His excitement is short lived as he starts feeling woozy, he falls to the ground just in time to see Suzy getting up and walking toward him. The gun was filled with blanks.

When he awakens, he's tied to a table and Suzy is smugly lounging in a beach chair drinking a glass of wine. She explains that she's the sister of his last victim and that his diet pepsi was drugged. He whines and pleas, she taunts him with multiple weapons.

She balks about how the justice system has failed her sister, and gives him a little knick with a chainsaw set to the classic lounge song "Topsy Part 2",  but then it all abruptly stops. Here I thought I was in for some good serial killer goring, and instead I get more inter-titles...

WHAT. Now Suzy, er, Evelyn is going to jail?

Luckily, she was found not guilty, PHEW! I was really worried for a second. But like, WHAT ABOUT FRANK BEAVER? Evelyn's not done with him yet. She decided to fight fire with fire and become a lawyer. lol.



Frank gets put away for GOOD and Evelyn puts her life of exotic dancing behind her so she can now make important telephone calls while reading the paper.

Just when you think the endless title card stampede is over, there's one more message from the director...

Lady Justice is pretty unique, not because of "Mondo-Vision", because of it's strange by-the-books morals and filtered through this very specific Judge Judy aesthetic. Milroy Pictures is new to me, but I already have another lined up for a future review and I'm looking forward further understanding what this extremely low-fi company is about. All of the movies seem to be linked by a theme of organized crime, spies and the justice system. Lady Justice certainly had it's weaknesses, but weirdness will always prevail here at Atomic Caravan. So I embrace it with loving tenderness.